This post concludes the missing scenes from second half of series three of Last Tango in Halifax.

Okay, so these episodes were probably the hardest to re-watch, and possibly one of the reasons for the delay – in addition to switching work schedules to help accommodate vacation time, and need for sleep as I work rather anti-social hours. 😀

As usual, the segments omitted from the PBS broadcast are marked in red, and as the second half of the series has flashbacks, I’ve marked those in blue to differentiate from present day conversations. In this post, I have added a bit extra dialogue in some scenes rather than cut the scenes short here for brevity, oft times because the scenes are so brilliant as they are, and it loses something without the whole – kinda like what PBS edits out. (/snark)

As per usual, a huge thanks to Sally Wainwright for penning the series. Dialogue herein belongs to Sally, and images belong to Sally Wainwright and Red Productions. Much thanks.

If you’re interested in checking out the previous posts on missing scenes/words/sections from LTIH, here they are:

Series One – Episodes 101-103
Series One – Episodes 104-106
Series Two – Episodes 201-203
Series Two – Episodes 204-206
Series Three – Episodes 301-303

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Episode 304

At the reception at Caroline’s house following Kate’s funeral. Greg, Kate’s friend and biological father of Flora, shows up.

Greg: Hello. Sorry. I know we didn’t hit it off, but I couldn’t not come. We were college buddies apart from anything else. So… how’s…uhm…I know I’m not supposed to ask, but how’s the baby?
Caroline: She’s fine. She’s fine.
Greg: A girl.
Caroline: yes.
Greg: I couldn’t…I couldn’t look at her?
Caroline: That wasn’t the plan, was it?
Greg: No. What’s going to happen to her?
Caroline: She’s going to be fine.
Greg: Are you?
Caroline: I’m looking after her.
Greg: Is that…?
Caroline: Official? Yes. I’m on the birth certificate as her parent.
Greg: No, I was going to say, is that what you want?
Caroline: Yes, of course it is.
Greg: It must be tough. I mean it’s not what you thought you were buying into, is it? You didn’t want her to have a baby and now you’re the one left with it.
Caroline: I didn’t not want her to have a baby.
Greg: Sorry, I must have misunderstood.
Caroline: No, I wanted what she wanted.
Greg: She said you weren’t as keen as she was.
Caroline: No, I wasn’t. But I wouldn’t have stopped her.
Greg: I’m sorry. I better go. I’ve got the train back to Manchester. Just…I wanted just to say, I can see you’ve got a lot of help and support, but if you just needed someone to help look after her for a bit, or, and as I say, under any other circumstances, I wouldn’t be offering. In fact, I wouldn’t even be here. That was the deal and I’m aware of that. But if ever there was anything, I’m flexible. I’m self-employed. I can work anywhere. So I wouldn’t want you to feel like you couldn’t ask, or that it would be inconvenient, cause chances are, it wouldn’t be. That’s all.
Caroline: Okay. Well, thank you.
Greg: Have you got my number?
Caroline: it…it’ll be on Kate’s phone.
Greg: (nods) Well.
Caroline: She’s in the kitchen with my mum and Kate’s mum, if you want to…have a look at her.
Greg: I shouldn’t have asked.
Caroline: It’s up to you.
Greg: Okay. (Caroline starts towards the kitchen but Greg stops her.) Thing is, she’s with Kate’s mother. And…um…Kate’s mother thinks I’m an idiot. (Caroline continues on to the kitchen – her facial expression is one that would agree with Kate’s mum).

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Alan’s talking to the Head of Maths at Caroline’s school, and having a cigarette.

Alan: Of course, they built the M6 toll road since then, so, well I’ve no idea if that’s any more efficient. (Takes a draw off a cigarette and spots Celia and puts it out). Oh shit.
Celia: Are you smoking?
Alan: Hmmm
Celia: You were smoking.
Alan: I wasn’t.
(Rest of scene intact.)

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Following Caroline dropping William at the train station, she starts talking to baby Flora and Kate’s ghost:

Kate: Now what?
Caroline: God knows.
Kate: You’re doing really well, you know.
Caroline: No, I’m not.
Kate: I think you are.
Caroline: I’m talking to myself. That’s usually a sign of madness.
Kate: You can always ring Greg.
Caroline: (shaking head) Not ringing Greg.
Kate: He did offer.
Caroline: Not ringing Greg.
Kate: Maybe he’s not a big a twerp as you think he is.
Caroline: I think as twerps go in the twerp department, Greg is off the deep end.
Kate: You just don’t like him.
Caroline: No shit, Sherlock.
Kate: Don’t swear in front of Flora.
Caroline: Sorry.
Kate: You overuse that phrase anyway. You know that, don’t you?
Caroline: Yeah.
Kate: You do realize, as well, that Greg is the only person on the planet who’s likely to feel as protective towards Flora as you and my mum do. What use is my mum going to be? She’s winging it back to the States on Tuesday.
Caroline: Would you really hate it if I got a nanny? A good nanny? A really good, expensive proper nanny?
Kate: I wouldn’t speak to you, Caroline.
Caroline: Look…
Kate: You’ve got Mary Poppins in your head. That nanny doesn’t exist.
Caroline: Let me ring some of those numbers. We might both be pleasantly surprised. I promise…I promise I won’t do anything you’d hate. Look I love this kid, too. Not as much as you would have done, but I do. I do. I love her and I would do everything I can for her but I’ve got to deal with it all.

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Gillian, Raff, Ellie and the baby are out in the yard as Gillian works on her truck, and talking about the wedding, and her not talking to Gary yet, and John’s staying over a couple weeks previous. There’s just one line there with a wee bit of cussing. 🙂

Gillian: And I don’t want to hear any smart-arse shit-stirring comments about John in front of Robbie, all right?

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Gillian and Garry meet up in a cafe for tea and a chat.

Gary: Hey, sorry.
Gillian: It’s okay.
Gary: How are you? (Gillian nods pleasantly as he leans over to kiss her cheek. Then to cafe staff over at the counter, he calls out.) Can I have some tea? (takes coat off and sits down) Thanks for meeting me.
Gillian: It’s nice to see you.
Gary: Is it?
Gillian: Why wouldn’t it be?
Gary: Well, Alan hasn’t rung me for two weeks.
Gillian: Ah, he’s been in Harrogate.
Gary: Yeah.
Gillian: It’s all been pretty traumatic, for everyone.
Gary: Sure, but then you didn’t ring me back either, til Sunday.
Gillian: Well, I’ve been a bit snowed under, my self as well.
Gary: Course. Course. It’s just that I’m paranoid.
Gillian: Are you? (nervous laughter)
Gary: Not normally.
Gillian: How’s Raff doing?
Gary: Really well, yeah. He loves it. He’s great. He’s such a nice lad.
Gillian: He can be when he’s not being a cocky little dick.
Gary: Me and Felicity are not getting on very well at the moment.
Gillian: Oh really…
Gary: Oh sorry, that’s…
Gillian: No.
Gary: I mean, since all this was probably all my fault
Gillian: Why? What do you mean?
Gary: Suddenly I felt very angry after we’d been over for lunch the other Sunday.
Gillian: Why?
Gary: How’s Caroline?
Gillian: She’s coping. Why did you feel angry?
Gary: I don’t know why. It’s not…
Gillian: Angry with?
Gary: Everything. Why, why my parents never told me. That’s a conversation that I can never have with them now.
Gillian: Yeah, I know. I understand. I do understand, because I feel the same.
Gary: And I’m remembering things, things that happened in the past and I’m wondering whether they did think more about our Adam, that’s my brother, than they did about me.
Gillian: He’s younger than…
Gary: Yeah. And my dad was his dad. His proper dad. And I’ve never, never thought like this before. I’ve never felt angry or jealous before. Well not like this.
Gillian: No? It changes the past, almost. Even if it doesn’t. But yeah, it colours the past. Well, that’s difficult, but…
Gary: And then nobody rings me up. After that Sunday, so I got all this shit in my head about my real parents and I’m thinking “Oh, and now he doesn’t really want to get to know me.”
Gillian: No, that’s…
Gary: But I’m the one who always has to be the one doing the ringing up.
Gillian: No, Gary, honestly, you’re reading too much into it. It’s been an odd few weeks.
Gary: You’re getting married!
Gillian: (chuckling) Yeah. You are invited.
Gary: Really?
Gillian: Just ring me dad up if you’re worried you’ve not heard from him.
Gary: Yeah, well…
Gillian: What?
Gary: I daren’t…
Gillian: Daren’t? You’re Gary Jackson.
Gary: Yeah, but it doesn’t mean anything. I don’t want to end up feeling like I’m being a nuisance all the time.
Gillian: My dad would never think like that.
Gary: Your Dad?
Gillian: Yeah. My Dad, your Dad. Whatever.
Gary: He is interested in me, I think.
Gillian: Yes, absolutely. He thinks you’re fantastic.
Gary: And Celia liked me.
Gillian: She loved you.
Gary: Sorry.
Gillian: Don’t…
Gary: I’m not like this. It’s just been such a shock, Gillian. It’s like it’s only just sunk in properly.
Gillian: I know.
Gary: The implications.
Gillian: I do know.
Gary: I’m sorry. I get obsessed and a little weird about stuff. That’s just me. (Anxiously wringing his hands, then speaks up louder than necessary trying to get the wait staff attention.) Is she even bringing me some tea?
Gillian: Calm down!
Gary: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gillian: Calm down.

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Episode 305

In the school cafeteria, the kids that put the labeled note on Lawrence’s back the previous week are a couple of tables away joking around. Lawrence and Angus decide to play a prank, lighting a firecracker and putting it under a nearby table, then stand up on the benches.

Lawrence: (accented voice) Everybody be cool, this is a robbery. Any of you pricks move, I’ll execute every last one of you. (Others are laughing, until the fireworks crack off, then screams. Lawrence and Angus start laughing and take off through the school).
Teacher: No running!
(The boys continue as they were and head out to the school grounds to the athletics field.)

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Caroline and Gillian are in Gillian’s kitchen peeling vegetables and chatting.

Gillian: Suspended?
Caroline: Only for two days. I don’t wanna go over it.
Gillian: Is this since…?
Caroline: It’s ever since I got together with Kate, which obviously is difficult, but he was always a rebel who didn’t like doing any homework and, of course, John always indulged that sort of thing, so (Flora’s fussing in her carrier) I’m the Wicked Witch of Whatever, and John’s, you know…Jack Kerouac or something. Raff ever been suspended?
Gillian: No. (smirks) I was. Once.
Caroline: What for?
Gillian: No, I can’t tell you.
Caroline: Come on, why?
Gillian: Huh, what about you, Miss Goody-two-shoes? Were you never, ever in bother at school?
Caroline: (smiles) I was actually.
Gillian: (Gasps) Go on.
Caroline: It was bad. I never got suspended but I was in detention, twice. (Caroline’s smiling).
Gillian: Twice? Jesus, Caroline.
Caroline: Okay, this is good. This is funny. Home economics. You remember home economics?
Gillian: No, we did domestic science.
Caroline: Ah, well, it’s Food Tech now.
Gillian: La-di-da.
Caroline: It’s still taught by light-weights. I didn’t say that.
Gillian: I didn’t think you had. Go on.
Caroline: Okay. so home economics. I used to get so bored. I once got so bad I had a panic attackk. I’m 13 and I’m having a panic attack because I’m bored out of my mind. (Flora is still fussing). So, anyway, one week…(looks at Flora) She’s going to start soon.
Gillian: She’s fine. Go on.
Caroline: Okay, so, we’re making Cornish pasties. Cornish pasties? Why? Just buy them? (Gillian chuckles) So, anyway, we’d all done what we had to do and got everything in the oven and blah blah blah and we realized if we pulled our resources, us young ladies, we could make a few more. So, we invented a new filling. We cut up some brillo pads, a squirt of Fairy, a teaspoonful of Ajax, mix it in with the leftovers…
Gillian: Yes!
Caroline: Stuffed it in the pastry, brushed milk on the pastry, cooked them, they looked lovely. Went off to whatever class was next and fed them to the boys , who ate them. I’m sorry, but you know, they were complicit in their own downfall. I would have spat that out.
Gillian: Yeah but boys, they’ll eat owt, won’t they?
Caroline: Exactly.
Gillian: Plus, they’re not very bright. (She looks over at Calamity babbling).
Caroline: No, they’re just wired differently. So, they were all sick and we got sent to the headteacher and got detention. Which we all agreed afterwards that it was worth it because it was so funny.
Gillian: Well done!
Caroline: Thank you.
Gillian: (tapping on the fussing Flora’s carrier) See? Not perfect after all. And yet, ironically, my estimation of your mum now goes through the roof. (Smiles back at Caroline).
Caroline: So, what did you get in bother for?
Gillian: Having sex in the cricket pavilion.
Caroline: No! You’re lying!
Gillian: (Sighs) You’re not going to go all Headmistressy on me?
Caroline: Who with?
Gillian: Robbie…probably. Yeah, it would have been… him. See? Really should have stuck with him.
Caroline: (looking over at Gillian) Yeah.
Gillian: Will you come? To the wedding?
Caroline: I suppose it’d look odd if I didn’t, wouldn’t it? (long pause) I can’t believe that my mother’s gone to a football match.
Gillian: No. No! No?

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Caroline arrives home with Flora in her carrier. John is there. There’s just a bit of swearing that’s cut out with a couple of lines, but the whole damned scene is so fabulous, especially Caroline’s telling him off, so I just included the whole scene.

John: Ah, you’re back. Lawrence is in bed.
Caroline: I thought he was staying at your flat.
John: Yeah, we were. But I think when it came to it, he preferred to sleep in his own bed. So…I bought him some noise-cancelling headphones. And I think those, along with the ear plugs when she starts…Might help. (Caroline picks up the carrier again and heads into the kitchen area by the dining room). Has she not…?
Caroline: No. Not yet. But she will. It’s only ’cause she’s been in the car.
John: Do you want a glass of wine?
Caroline: Uh…No. I’m going to bed.
John: How was Gillian?
Caroline: Fine.
John: Good. Good. That’s good. And how are you? How are things?
Caroline: Shit. But you know, it’ll get better.
John: No, it will. Of course it will. (awkward pause) Right, well I’ll… get my jacket. (Leaves room)
(Caroline’s busy taking Flora’s things out of her carry bag, looks over to the couch and sees a vision of Kate)
Ghost Kate: You were happy today. I saw you.
Caroline: Briefly.
John: (Returning to the room) I just wanted to say. Bit ironic, now that I’ve got the flat sorted out, but it was just to say that we had a great day, me and Lawrence. It was nice. He was happy. We enjoyed each other’s company, and…Is there an argument, bear with me…Is there an argument for you and me…getting back together?
Caroline: No.
John: Fair enough. I just thought…
Caroline: Sure.
John: It was worth…
Caroline: Yeah.
John: Suggesting. Asking. Seeing what you…Well, anyway…I’ve put the idea out there. Perhaps it’s something to dwell on.

Caroline: (thinking through the crap that John is talking about – realizing that she’s not really paid much attention) Sorry, hang on. Wait a minute. What?
John: Well.
Caroline: It’s six weeks tomorrow that Kate died. It’s less than six weeks since Kate died.
John: Well…
Caroline: Are you seriously asking me that question?
John: As I say…
Caroline: God, you’re like something out of a joke book, aren’t you?
John: It was just an idea for Lawrence. And, well, for Laura…Flora, actually.
Caroline: Do you seriously think…
John: You were the one who asked if I’d help out the other day. Surely having two parents…
Caroline: What do you think I am? John, I don’t think that you do think, do you? I think you just let words spill out of your mouth and on to the floor and see if anyone’s stupid enough to pick them up.
John: Okay. Well, that’s…
Caroline: I’m a lesbian. I like sleeping with other women. I always did and this is after you’ve been trying so blatantly to get inside Gillian’s knickers, again.
John: That’s…That was never… (Caroline obviously thinks he’s an idiot and it shows in her facial expressions). Okay, forget it. I mistimed it.
Caroline: Yeah. I think that just about sums it up.
John: Okay, well I’ll drop the latch.
Caroline: Yeah. if you would.
John: I’ll phone you.
Caroline: Right.
John: I’ll…
Caroline. Yeah, whatever. (Starts shutting door on him)
John: That’s…(turns around as door shuts as he mutters)

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Caroline’s on the phone with Holly’s mother after she and Alan and Celia return from the police with Flora. She’s holding Flora in her arms and still shaking.

Caroline: (on phone) Okay, thank you. Bye-bye. (puts the portable handset down).
Celia: You all right, love?
Caroline: Well according to her mother that’s why she dropped out of university.
Celia: Good Lord!
Alan: I thought you got her through an agency?
Caroline: I did. She had references. The agency obviously knows nothing, well presumably they don’t, or they’d never have taken her on.
Celia: You see? They can hide it.
Caroline: Her mother said she could be fine for weeks and then she’ll have an upset or whatever and then she’ll have a drink and that’s it, she can’t stop.
Celia: God, she must be sickened, her mother.
Caroline: (holds out hand) Look at me, I’m still shaking.
Alan: Well it’s a terrible disease. A young lass like that.
Caroline: She could have killed her. What was she not thinking, getting into a car…(hitting the kitchen counter with her hand for emphasis) Getting behind the wheel of a car, in that state with a baby. Somebody else’s baby. And where had she been to get so drunk? Where had Flora been? And why Bradford?
Alan: You really ought to ring that agency.
Caroline: I will. I’m going to. I just need a bit more…
Celia: They’ll get shut of her.
Caroline: Equilibrium.
Celia: She’ll not get work.
Alan: Well, she can’t be in charge of little ones if she’s…
Celia: Of course she can’t.
Caroline: You know she was such a nice girl at school. She was so…She was perfectly normal. Kate knew her. She would have been delighted with her. How could I have known? I couldn’t have known, could I?
Celia: It’s not your fault, love.
Caroline: What the hell am I going to do? I knew I shouldn’t have gone back to work. I mean, that’s it. I’m going to have to resign. I’m going to have to take early retirement. I’m just going to have to rethink everything.
Celia: Well, there are other nannies.
Caroline: No, no, no. No, Kate, she’d kill me.
Celia: You can’t resign.
Caroline: What choice have I got? It’s ridiculous. Even with a nanny, I come home and there’s still everything to do. I can’t sleep, I can’t think. I haven’t got a second to myself and then that’s not good for her. I want her to feel loved. I don’t want her to feel like she’s an inconvenience. (Voice softens as she looks at Flora) She isn’t.
Celia: I mean, who else is there? I mean, we said we’ll do what we can, but…
Caroline: I know. I know. I know. I know. It’s impossible. The whole thing is impossible.
Ghost Kate: (standing behind Caroline) You know, when push comes to shove, which it would appear to have done, you could always ring Greg.
Caroline: I suppose I could always ring Greg.
Alan: Who?
Celia: The father?
Caroline: Mmmm.
Alan: Really?
Ghost Kate: I know you can’t stand him.
Celia: I thought you thought he was a jerk.
Caroline: Yeah, he is, but…
Ghost Kate: You know, I’ve always thought you’d feel very differently about him if you got to know him properly.
Caroline: He offered at the funeral to help…
Ghost Kate: Ring him.
Caroline: (sighs) He’s self-employed. I don’t know what he does, but he meant he could be flexible and…And he did offer…And you saw what he was like with her, I mean. Well, he’d love her, wouldn’t he?
Celia: Yeah, but he can’t just drop everything, can he?
Ghost Kate: I bet he would.

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John’s been talking with Alan and Celia – after finding Greg having dinner with Caroline and Lawrence – and talking about how everything in this marriage fell apart. Seemingly trying to compare his long-term affair with Judith with Alan’s one-night fling with Gary’s mother. Alan and Celia are not impressed. John tries to explain what happened, as shown through flashback after Caroline’s found out about Judith.

Caroline: (At the top of a rung of stairs, throws shoe down at John – he ducks a bit and it hits a glass frame behind him). Eighteen years! Eighteen fucking years! (Another shoe thrown).
John: Caroline! Caroline! Stop it, Caroline! The boys are in tears. They don’t know what’s going on. (book thrown)
Caroline: (suitcase thrown) Oh, well. Shall we tell them. Do you want to or shall I?
John: I think you’re becoming hysterical. (Caroline grabs a lamp post) No, really. I think you are actually becoming…(lamp thrown down the stairs at him).
Caroline: Your daddy has been having it off with somebody else, boys!
John: (Stammering) That’s…that’s that’s just irresponsible. (Another shoe thrown hitting broken glass).
Caroline: Despite having a beautiful home, two wonderful children and a pretty damned fantastic wife, Daddy has been putting it about elsewhere. (More items thrown).
John: That’s…
Caroline: What? What is it? Are you embarrassed? Embarrassed? You shit. (More stuff thrown as Caroline comes down the stairs, more glass broken). You shit!

(Out of flashback:)
Alan: Heck!
John: Yeah. I left. I left and I didn’t want to. And the irony is, that in her version of events, i.e. the official version of events, the one that everyone believes, including my children, is that I left her for an alcoholic. And it just wasn’t like that. (mobile ringing) Is that you?
Alan: (Checks his phone and answers) Hello. (to Celia and John:) It’s Gillian. (John looks predictably interested).
Gillian: Have you seen this week’s Courier? (referring to the Halifax Courier newspaper that she’s got laid out with an article about Gary and his real Dad – showing a Buttershaw-Dawson family wedding photo w/ Gary insert).
Alan: No.
Gillian: Huh. You’re not going to believe this.
Alan: Well, what is it, love?

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Episode 306

This first scene is kinda split back and forth between Gillian having a panic attack at the house and Caroline trying to figure out what’s up, a meeting between Gillian and Gary, and Gary and Raff. Gillian tells Caroline that she feels guilty going through with the wedding because a) everyone else wants this big do for her and Robbie, and b) feeling guilty about the stuff in the paper.

(flashback of Gillian and Gary in a cafe chatting)
Gary: Why didn’t he come and talk to me?
Gillian: It’s not how he does things.
Gary: Just going silent on me and not answering the phone calls.
Gillian: He doesn’t make a fuss. It’s not his way.

(flashback of Gary and Raff conversation at work)
Raff: It’s embarrassing. You’ve embarrassed him.
Gary: How?
Raff: It’s like saying, “Here’s this little old fella who was unfaithful to his wife all those years ago.”
Gary: That itsn’t…That wasn’t…That isn’t what it was about at all.
Raff: No, but it’s implied. It’s fairly obvious what the story behind it is. That is going to be read by everyone who knows him. Everyone around here. And it’s embarrassing. You’ve humiliated him.
Gary: No, I haven’t.
Raff: Fine. You asked my why he seems to stop bothering with you. Well, as far as I’m aware, that’s what seems to be the answer.

_____

(switches back to conversation with Gillian and Gary)
Gary: You know, if anyone should be embarrassed, it’s me. Finding out the man who I thought was my dad, wasn’t my dad, age 46. It’s me who’s been humiliated, lied to. God knows what.
Gillian: Well, obviously, that’s your perspective.
Gary: My perspective?

Gillian: Yes. That’s…I’m not making light of it. Obviously you’re having it to deal with.
Gary: I didn’t do the interview to embarrass him.
Gillian: No, but he is…
Gary: That’s not why I did it.
Gillian: Yeah, but nobody thinks…That’s not the point.
Gary: I did it because I want to celebrate the fact that he’s my dad. I did it to embrace the fact that he’s my dad. I don’t want any of us to be embarrassed about it.
Gillian: Well, that’s very nice, obviously. But from his point of view you can see, surely you can see, that you’ve pointed out in public that he was unfaithful to the woman he was married to. My mother.

Raff: My granny.
Gary: Yeah, I don’t think that’s how people would see it.
Raff: That’s how he sees it.
Gary: Is it Celia? She’s found an excuse to go all funny about it again, and make him feel bad about things.
Raff: No. If anything, she’s the one who’s been trying to make out it’s not as bad as he thinks.
Gary: Really? (sceptical)
Raff: Yeah. And I think me granddad’s right about me going to university and getting a degree. Not that I’m not grateful about the job offer, but, I think on balance, I’d rather stick to the original plan.

Gillian: He keeps going up to my mum’s plaque at the chapel in Blackley, where we scattered her ashes.
Gary: Why?
Gillian: Because he feels guilty. Look Gary. No one thinks you did it out of malice.
Gary: Well, maybe, I don’t know. Maybe he should feel a bit guilty.
Gillian: Yeah, well, he does. So…
Gary: So, should I apologise?
Gillian: Well, you could try.
(end flashbacks)

****

(Back to Gillian and Caroline’s conversation)
Gillian: I think he touched a nerve. My dad. I think Gary’s motives for that newspaper article were a bit dubious. So, they’re not speaking to each other. Our Raff’s declined, thank God, Gary’s very generous, thank you, offer to stop him going to university and take him on full time, train him up to be something he’s never expressed any interest in whatsoever. (Caroline’s looking a bit confused) Accountancy.
Caroline: Ah.
Gillian: So, that’s how I end up in this…fix. Peacekeeping. My wedding is a glorified peacekeeping operation.
Caroline: Okay, so…Okay, so I think to begin with, it’s not a fix. If you stand back and look at it, it’s…it’s bigger than you wanted. Yes. But actually what is it? It’s a few hours standing there smiling, and then it’s all over with. The chances are, and I bet you anything, you’ll get to the end of the day, earlier, sooner, once the formalities are over and done with and you’ll realise that actually, you’re having a great time. Or at the very least, it’s just not that bad.
Gillian: (heavy sigh)
Alan: (waiting downstairs, calls up the stairs to them) How are we doing?
Caroline: What do you think? Is it about something else?
Gillian: No, no, no.
Caroline: It’ll be fine. Come on, you don’t want your dad to think it’s his fault.
Gillian: Don’t I?
Caroline: You’re really normal to feel like this at the last minute. I bet you’ve got all sorts of daft misgivings buzzing around in your head, but you’ve just got to tell yourself that it’s normal, yeah? Okay?
Gillian: You didn’t want me to marry him!
Caroline: Yeah, but we talked that through and you made the decision, didn’t you?
Gillian: (sighs)

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At the wedding do, folks are standing round talking. Robbie’s not feeling all too well following his stag do.

Harry: Hair of the dog.
Robbie: Does that work?
Harry: Never tried it.
Celia: I’ve no sympathy.
Robbie: Yes, Celia. You keep saying.
Dave: Try it and see if it works.
Harry: What do you fancy? I’ll get it.
Celia: What were you doing drinking til 3:00 this morning?
Robbie: It was a stag night. (Sighs) Banging headache.
Harry: What do you fancy then, lad? Brandy? Whiskey? Doubles?
Dave: All right. Go on.
Robbie: I think it must be summat else. I’m wondering if I’m coming down with flu.
(chuckles)
Gary: (who’s just come in with his wife & daughters) Hello, Celia.
Celia: Oh, hello.
Gary: Robbie, you’re looking forward to Mallorca?
Robbie: Yeah:
Felicity: You’ll love it. I’ve told Mariella, the housekeeper, just to stay out of your way.
(John and Greg come in; John carrying Flora’s baby carrier).
Robbie: (looks over at him then points him out to his best man) Here’s that lanky streak of greasy shite I told you about that she insisted on inviting. You have got the ring safe, haven’t you?
Dave: No, Robbie, I flogged it.
Ellie: Are you going to say hello to Gary?
Raff: Of course. I haven’t fallen out with him.

**********************************************************************

(flashback to an argument with Gillian and Gary. Gillian’s holding an axe in her hand, gesticulating with it during the argument.)
Robbie: Gillian, it’s agreed. We’ve accepted it.
Gillian: Yeah, because of me dad falling out with him. And then our Raff, deciding he’s not taking him up on his stupid job offer.
Robbie: It’s booked, it’s paid for, we’ve sent out the invitations. You’ve been happily choosing all the stuff you want, flowers, menu, decor.
Gillian: Only because people kept ringing up and asking bloody questions.
Gary: You’re being…You are being irrational. Just relax. Just enjoy it for God’s sake, just go with the flow. Is this about something else?
Gillian: It’s about not being in control of my own wedding. It’s about having my wedding hijacked by Mr. Moneybags and turned into a circus. And you, you going on and on and on at me.
Robbie: It would have been weird not to have accepted it.
Gillian: It wouldn’t! It would not. It would have been normal.
Robbie: Gillian. Stop being a twat.

**********************************************************************
Caroline’s stopped at a petrol station to put some fuel in the Jeep; Alan’s headed into the station to pay for it, so Gillian decides to carry on an earlier conversation.

Gillian: There is more to it than what I’ve said.
Caroline: Okay.
Gillian: I shagged this bloke I work with.
Caroline: When?
Gillian: Ollie.
Caroline: When?
Gillian: At the supermarket. Not at the supermarket. In the back of his van.
Caroline: So this is -?
Gillian: Four weeks ago. (quick flashback to the van – not covering the brief flash) Obviously, it shouldn’t have happened. Obviously it was cause of Robbie calling me a twat, and I just thought that…Right you…That is going to have repercussions, whether I like it or not. That is going to have reprecussions.
Caroline: Was it just that once?
Gillian: Yes.
Caroline: Lashing out?
Gillian: If you like.
Caroline: And this Ollie lad, he’s someone that you’ve had shenanigans with before?
Gillian: Yeah, he’s an old…well, I say old, he’s 24. But yeah. Bit of an old pal, yeah.
Caroline: Not. Not the…?
Gillian: No.
Caroline: Except that it’s not like you’re embarking on something new, if it was just…
Gillian: No, no.
Caroline: A moment…
Gillian: Yes!
Caroline: And that’s how this lad, this…
Gillian: Ollie.
Caroline: Ollie sees it, he’s not…likely to kick up a fuss.
Gillian. No. God, no. Except he’s…He’ll be there.
Caroline: To…to…to the…
Gillian: I invited him.
Caroline: Today?
Gillian: Well, I sent the invites, didn’t I? Before I…with him.
Caroline: But he’s not going to say anything?
Gillian: No, no, no. I don’t know.
Caroline: Jesus.
Gillian: I doubt it.
Caroline: (Takes a moment as she hangs up the pump before heading back to the car, directly in front of Gillian) So is this something you want to tell Robbie about to get off your chest, before you…
Gillian: No, no. I just needed to tell someone else.
Caroline: All right.
Gillian: I know you think I’m a right old slapper.
Caroline: No, I don’t. I don’t. Think things like that. I think…You’re an adult. People are what they are.
Gillian: I don’t like feeling trapped, owned, chattle…-ated. That’s not a word.
Caroline: No.
Gillian: But you know what I mean.
Caroline: Yeah. I think you’ve got to shoulder the burden of the guilt, whatever. Put it all behind you and tell yourself it happened, won’t happen again and move forward, yeah?
Gillian: Yeah.
Caroline: Yeah.
Gillian: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (Caroline closes the door of the car and goes round to her side.

***

Gillian: It wasn’t…it wasn’t just Ollie.
Caroline: Okay. Well, what else?
Gillian: John. John, it was John. And that was your fault.
Caroline: My fault?
Gillian: Indirectly.
Caroline: Oooh, I’m dying to hear this.
Gillian: It was when he thought you were shagging Greg.
Caroline: Who thought I was shagging Greg?
Gillian: He did. John did.
Caroline: When?
Gillian: When he moved in, at your house. Greg. When Greg moved in.
Caroline: John did?
Gillian: Yes!
Caroline: John did?
Gillian: My dad. Shut up.

***

Caroline’s driving them off to the wedding and they’re discussing things about John and Greg being buddies, when a car is driving in the middle of the road, forcing Caroline off to the side where she gets a flat rear tyre.

Gillian: Idiot!
Caroline: Did you see that?
Gillian: Jerk! (looking back and yelling, despite the fact the other driver can’t hear her) You tosser!
Caroline: Oh, hang on.
Alan: Is summat up?
Caroline: Oh my God.
Alan: That’s all we need.
Caroline: We can only be ten minutes from the hotel. We just need to ring someone up to come and fetch us.
Gillian: No signal.
Alan: No, neither have I. We should have gone through Halifax instead of coming over tops.
Gillian: Yeah.
Caroline: (holding her phone up to see if she can find a signal) Okay, well.
Alan: Yeah.
Gillian: This is a sign.
Alan: What is?
Gillian: From God. That I shouldn’t show up.
Alan: Oh.
Caroline: (Sizing up the wheel) I think, between us, we can change a wheel in 10 minutes. And they’re expecting us to be a little late anyway, aren’t they?
Alan: Yes, that’s…Yeah, true.
Caroline: So?
Gillian: He’s not changing a wheel. (To her dad) You’re not changing a wheel. You’ve got a heart condition.
Alan: Well, where’s the manual. I can read the instructions.
Caroline: In the glove compartment.
Gillian: You realise we’re going to get covered in cack and goo and grease and general shite –
Caroline: Yeah. But we’re not just standing here.

***

Caroline rolls the wheel out of the back of her Jeep, then rolls it over to the side and takes a breather once she drops it; Gillian’s still looking at the manual

Caroline: So what’s this thing then, that happened?
Gillian: (after relaying to Caroline about her conversation with John) I knew it was a mistake before anything had even happened. It was why I wanted to do it in the first place that haunts me.
Caroline: So, his…his plan was thinking I’d have him back? That is…
Gillian: I think it still is, ’cause obviously after that, I had to send him packing again.
Caroline: That is so misguided.
Gillian: Mmmm.
Caroline: So hang on. So you’ve shagged Ollie and John in the last…
Gillian: It was more of a fumble with John. The logistics were a bit…(waggles hand)
Caroline: Okay.
Gillian: But yeah…
Caroline: (trying to get the bolts off with the lug wrench, without success) Okay, this is impossible.
Gillian: Is it?
Caroline: Easier to screw them on in the factory with the pneumatic thingy.
Gillian: You need to stand on the lever. Shift over, I’ll do it.
Caroline: No! We’re keeping you clean. Stand on it?
Gillian: Yeah. Yeah. Then you got your whole weight. (Caroline huffs) Then you need to jump up and down a bit. (Caroline does so and the lever creaks). Yeah, that’s it. (Caroline’s still bouncing on the lever – and Alan looks back to see what’s happening.) Is it shifting? (Clank)
Caroline: Yeah. (One more bounce, the lug comes off and Caroline lands on the ground in some manure). Oh, shit! Ugh.
Gillian: Yeah, but it worked. It’s worked. Look! The…There’s just the other four to loosen now.
Caroline: Oh shit. (sighing).
Gillian: You’re doing really well. I get covered in crap every day. It’s a matter of course and it’s not that bad. Honestly, it’s just…it’s just horse shit, that. It’s nice. It’s friendly. It’s good for you. They’re not carnivorous. So, you know. It could be worse. (Caroline sighs). It’s just grass. It’s grass and bacteria, really. You’re a chemist.
Caroline: (Upon seeing the heel of her shoe broken off) Oh, no.
Gillian: Okay, let me –
Caroline: No! No! You stand back. One of us is going to get there looking decent, and obviously, it isn’t going to be me.
Alan: Are you all right? (Caroline sighs)
Gillian: She’s fine. One day, we’ll look back on this and laugh. Or not, possibly. Were those shoes very expensive? (Caroline gives her a dirty look).
Alan: You don’t think it’s going to rain, do you? (at which point it does, with a rumble of thunder).

**********************************************************************

Gary and Felicity are having a conversation at the wedding.

Felicity: So is it true?
Gary: Who told you that?
Felicity: The little thingy over there, with the baby. Ellie.
Gary: Ah, okay.
Felicity: You paid Harry’s costs?
Gary: Well…
Felicity: £46,000.
Gary: Does it matter?
Felicity: (sighs) You don’t know these people. (Chuckling) I mean, God, you spent ten grand on this.
Gary: I felt sorry for him, and…And I thought it might make Alan a little bit more, you know, a little bit less ill-disposed towards me.
Felicity: And did it?
Gary: No. He accused me of trying to suck up to his friends.
Felicity: Well, you had better not tell my father that you have undermined his authority.
Gary: No, I’m going to tell your father anything I like. It’s my money. Yeah. Sorry, Richard, I paid this 75-year old man’s costs for him because your ruling meant he wouldn’t have a roof over his head.
Felicity: He damaged the lock. People were incovenienced for weeks. He was drunk.
Gary: It was an accident.

**********************************************************************

After Gillian and Caroline escape to the bathroom to get tidied up

Gillian: There was something else.
Caroline: What?
Gillian: It was weird.
Caroline: What was?
Gillian: Yesterday. Robbie. Before he set up here to his stag do. (She relays the conversation that Robbie knew all about Eddie beating the shit out of her and not doing anything, and that he didn’t blame her but the consequences if she had were severe). “Because murder is murder,” he said. (sniffling) And that was it. I said I was glad he told me. And that was it. Which is why I don’t think I can go through with it. It wasn’t all that other stuff. That was just excuses. Rubbish. You see, I’ve always imagined, in some…mad, alternative universe that one day, I could tell him the truth and he would understand. And he’d forgive me. But now, I know that he never would. Ever. He’s a copper. It’s how he thinks. I’m sorry. I should have told you that in the first place, before we set off. That’s why I couldn’t come out of the bathroom. I couldn’t say it, so I came out with the all that other shit.
Caroline: Wow.
Gillian: Yeah.
Caroline: Buf if you pulled out now, what reason would you give him?
Gillian: Ollie, John. Gary paying for everything, me being bulldozed into stuff. Or I could say I was upset about what he told me. That he knew Eddie knocked me about and he did nothing. (sighs)
Caroline: I don’t know what to say.
Gillian: (Sighing) I should have listened to you. It was wrong. I never should have got involved with him. You were right. You were right.
Caroline: I don’t know what to say.
Gillian: You’ve been a really good friend, and I’ve just dumped a load of crap on you. As usual.
Caroline: Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s fine. It’s what friends are for. It’s just, I…(sighs) I don’t know what to say.
Gillian: (sighs & sniffles) On the other hand, he’s such a nice man and he’s had such a rubbish life. He was orphaned. His brother got murdered…Died, and now (sighs) how could I think about standing him up at the altar in front of all his friends? Wouldn’t that be worse? Now. Now we got this far.
Caroline: You know…You can always get divorced. Afterwards.
Gillian: Yeah. (Both sighing)
Caroline: I look ridiculous.
Gillian: Yes, you do.

**********************************************************************

To leave on this on a happier note, I’ll leave you with a wonderful shot of Caroline and Gillian after the wedding, since we’re going to have quite a wait until series four is underway. All the best to you until then. 🙂